Bolly Good Exit, m’boy

Simran Singh’s family from DDLJ can be employed as a useful allegory. As Orwell would have written about the Singh parivaar in 1941, England, he said, “resembles a family, a rather stuffy [Punjabi] family, with not many black sheep in it … and there is a deep conspiracy of silence about the source of the family income.”

The Leave camp claims that EU is clipping Simran’s (Hello, UK) wings and not allowing her grow to her full potential. Baldev Singh Ji (Sat Sri Akal, Remain Camp) notices that Simran as a matter of fact would be comfier at home and recognizes the futility of taking off with a jobless-humourless-talentless-goat.

Member of Leave Camp with his ride

The story of course ends with the words “Jaa Simran Jaa, jee le apni Zindagi”, defeating Ballu Uncle with a razor thin majority vote.

Member of the Remain Camp after the Brexit Vote

Would it then be correct to say that sometimes (very few times) parents may be looking out for the best interests of their children? ‘Tis true that UK sends out huge ass sums of money to the EU (despite the correction negotiated by Maggie Ji), the members of the remain camp believe that the benefits of this alliance far outweigh the costs. The British markets, apparently, gain much more from access to European markets and contracts, with UK exports to EU amounting to 33 billion pounds in the first quarter of 2016. BUT, wait for more numbers, the imports from EU in the same quarter amounted to 55 billion pounds (No shit). Incidentally, UK has been running this deficit for quite some time and figures do suggest a gradual decline in UK’s EU exports. And because the sun never sets in London, it is not surprising that the imports from EU have remained constant in this period. Like, what purpose does this country serve without it’s imported cars and fine wine?

The Purpose of Great Britain

Also, take a look at where this stuff is coming from:

Imports to Great Britain: Latest Stuff

Look closely, Romans; it seems like UK could improve it’s trade position by simply sourcing all the fancy stuff from old frenemies like China or India instead (bretribution!). What’s more is that they get to pick their own tariff rates, custom duties and other such shizz natch and they also get to send their fancy stuff to poor people who now seem to be growing rich. Perhaps the leave camp just wants some spice and tea?

A Snake Charmer seen to be happy making tea for goras

Not to mention rising inequality and unemployment left people completely disillusioned with a system put in place by unimaginative Economists (Courtsey Maggie Ji, again); the desperate cries of an alternative could now be heard. Given the threat of vampires (our Romanian pooches and dazzling American teenagers from the last post) and the honourable track record of EU in crushing democratic voices (Greece had a referendum that wiped itself off public memory), the choice of Leaving wasn’t really a hard one.

Remain Enthusiasts from EU

Which brings us to the deeper question, why do we see so many cool people on Baldev Singh Ji’s side (aka remain camp)?

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Cuz these cool people had more foresight than Nostradamus (who should have marked the slaughter of economics-textbook-waali– rationality in 2016). Ample warnings were issued to the voters prior to the referendum about how a vote to Leave was going to Rock their World (No, literally). The Skyfall of the Pound would of course immediately worsen the Balance of Trade (J-curve, broz) in the short run. But more complicated economic modelling reveals that Britain will most certainly be the looser also in the long run, when presumably we all won’t be dead. Oxford Economics, for instance, arrives at such a prediction after considering nine scenarios that may be negotiated among UK and it’s trade partners. You can’t be sticking out your tongue at the entire world and still expect the Universe to be fair to you (bretribution, part II).

Results of Convoluted Economic Modelling

Unimpressed? Cold feet after break-up, you say? Enter, Common Agriculture Policy: Brit farmers are receiving 2.4 billion pounds annually in direct payments from the EU. They also have access to additional 4 billion pounds for Rural Development works. So Funding is over, Diplomacy is sour, Trade Relations are bitter and Political Leadership is unreliable.

Body Palm

The Ceremonial County of Cornwall, with a poor economy and not-so-poor ego, voted Leave in a rather unceremonious turn of events. Suffering from selective Amnesia, Cornish voters conveniently forgot about the assistance worth 132 million pounds received, while recounting their glorious past. They now have issued a plea asking for continued protection. Essentially, Cornwall demands to be loved forevz right after dumping the dude.

Cornwall in a love-hate relationship with Vampires from East Europe

At a cost of 0.5% of the UK’s GDP, you’d expect a chorus of “Tally-ho!” emerging from the good old country. However, the snobs seem to be fairly divided on this question. Closing lines: The realization that Globalization-as-we-know-it is irreversible, is a real one. Those were fun times for quite a few; the rest of them didn’t know where the trip was going. Was it too early to pack the bags and leave? Or could a nicer itinerary be worked out? Anyhow, Monday morning is here and the ride to work, after the long holiday, is going to be a bumpy one. We may have thought that the vacation was eternal, but we forgot about the grumpy friends who spoiled everybody’s fun.

Aarushi Kalra




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