DE-FANGING BREXIT

On the 23rd of June, the Brits sealed their faith in an important way- they voted out of the EU. Rallying against common sense and self-interest, more than half of the Brit population chose to pack their bags and leave. Soon enough, Brexit was followed by Bregret and, as we speak, sensible Brits are doing something characteristically Un-British- they are masking their accent in a Scottish drawl. So why did the birthplace of utilitarianism, so snooty, cold hearted and hardnosed choose to do something so stupid? Surely, it cannot be the immigrants or those other stupid reasons (just let John Oliver explain). So we propose a hypothesis- maybe it was to….

Stanch vampire immigration

Okay, so maybe when the Brits are talking about East Europeans, they are talking about vampires? East European humans are surely not all that frightening.

 

fig1
An East European human couple and their pooches

But vampires are. You don’t have to be a real estate agent to know that England offers the ideal condition for healthy vampire development. No Catholics, bad weather, creepy castles and as a bonus, cold November rains.

 

fig2
Inspiring this vampire to write a poignant song about it

 

Now, here are the stats. As of 2015, immigrants are divided evenly between EU and non EU states, with many EU immigrants coming from west European nations. And of those coming from East European nations, well, guess who has been sidling in folks.

fig3

For your reference, EU2 comprises of Romania and Bulgaria and EU8 of 8 other East European nations including Czech Republic, Hungary, Poland and other Balkan guilt trips.

Let me now draw your attention to the green trend line that includes the Romanian immigrants. It’s been rising, surely and sharply. And in 2015, these two nations contributed as much to the immigrant flows as the other 8. But perhaps, you still haven’t caught the drift. Holy shit ROMANIA!

Now take a look at the graph again.

fig3
umm…do you have immigration stats by vampires?

No, no they don’t. Now, feel the fear Brits, feel the fear. True, they could be simple, kind hearted Romanian humans. But what is to say that there are no vampires in their midst? The depiction of no other creature has changed so phenomenally as that of the vampire- from a bloated bloody corpse, to a debonair, cape donning count to a lanky, American teen who sprinkles glitter on his body. Even if the Brits wanted to put out a lookout notice, the description would be, at best sparse.

fig4
A 21st century vampire drying his glitter in the sun

Ok, so maybe you can’t stop them, but perhaps you can fight them? And what better way to ward off vampires than by shoving pungent garlic in their face?

Oh, did we mention that the EU hates garlic?

Although garlic is produced in EU countries such as Spain, France and Italy, they face stiff competition from the Chinese. Chinese garlic is dirt cheap and caters to nearly 80% of the world garlic demand. However, the import of Chinese garlic is severely constricted by imports quotas, tariffs and licensing requirements owed to the imaginative minds of Brussels bureaucrats.

fig5
A Brussels bureaucrat’s entry to the Interpol logo contest

 

So naturally, garlic smuggling has become extremely lucrative in Europe (the main recipients of such garlic being the UK, Italy and Poland) and garlic smuggling cartels in Europe have all the trappings of criminal cartels, complete with “Chinese garlic cartel kingpins”. The cartels have become a menace to the EU, so much so that, here’s a sentence you’d never thought you’d read- stopping garlic overlords has become the chief priority of OLAF, the European Anti- Fraud Office.

fig6
“Shit it’s the Garlic police!”

On a side note, it is estimated that the losses owing to contraband garlic is to the tune of millions of euros. According to a statement from OLAF to the BBC (http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-20976887), “One container of fresh garlic represents a potential risk of about 30,000 euros (£24,700) in terms of customs duties”.

And that is not the end of that.

In 2014, EU imposed a 15 million pound fine on Britain for charging the lower frozen garlic duty on fresh Chinese garlic.

That perhaps, was the last straw.

And thus, denied their cheap garlic and buckling under the incessant influx of vampires, the UK decided to call it quits.

 

References (In case you’re in denial)

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/big-money-in-illegal-garlic/article7205514/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2863763/Fangs-lot-EU-lands-Britain-15m-Dracula-Tax-importing-garlic.html

http://www.freshplaza.com/article/149392/Spain-Import-and-smuggling-of-Chinese-garlic

Darshana Sunoj

MA(P)

D S E

Have your own interesting theory about Brexit? Been looking for a soapbox that is not the kind in your bathroom? Write to us at eostre@econdse.org and we will publish you. For real.

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